My Story - By Bella - Trigger Warning
Welcome to my story time on the Survivor's Blog. When I was two years old I was tested
for autism which came back negative but gave me an IEP which is an individualized education plan. I had this IEP from I think when I was two and during kindergarten when i was about 4-5 years old is my first memory of being bullied, and that continued till I was about 10. During these years I years the most friends I had was 3. Otherwise I was insulted and sometimes physically got in fights. The fights sometimes ensued because, I didn't feel safe, something overwhelmed my senses, or I was protecting someone else. It was usually the last one, and this lead to me being called a bully.
This was, at the time what I thought of was my first trauma. I will get into the other one that might have happened around the same time later. Also when I was about 10 years old my mom had a mental breakdown due to her PTSD which caused me to see her steady mental decline and lead me to having to quickly go live with my dad even though he wasn’t really able to well since he had been out of rehab for about 5 years and was renting one room in a house. I moved in with him and after 5th grade I switched schools. I kept having emotional
outbursts due to loud sounds and was struggling with social interaction. I started doing research and thought I may have ADHD and so I told my parents and they set up for me to talk to my school counselor about it. She immediately dismissed me because I can read well, even though I struggle to write and stuff. But I took the rejection and didn’t mention it again for a while.
Then, during the summer is when I got a lot worse. I restricted my intake, had multiple suicide attempts, was hospitalized for suicidality twice, and had been abused multiple times sexually online. I also around this time got diagnosed with depression and anxiety.
Lets get a bit more into this anorexia. I stopped eating for most of the day and would eat
dinner and lost quite a lot of weight (50 pounds), then I went to a doctors appointment and
multiple times was almost hospitalized multiple times for low blood pressure and almost put in residential treatment (2 month long treatment at a place) for eating disorders. I around the time also was in an outpatient (not stuck at a place all day all the time) place for eating disorders. Which improved my eating enough and made me gain enough weight that I only had to go into medical stabilization once and only had to be there for most of night hours but didn't sleep there which was quite odd.
Now let’s get into the abuse, around the same time I stopped eating was my first abuse
experience in which an adult male who said they had DID/Dissociative Identity disorder (by the way) quick DID myth busting: DID does not cause criminals and isn’t demons possessing people) got me to do sexual role plays. I eventually told my friends and they got me to say no but then he got me to say yes because I strongly dislike upsetting people (which makes me a prime candidate for abuse). I think the next event was my boyfriend at the time asking me to send nudes and me doing it because I trusted him. Sexual role play events have now happened about 3 or 2 more times and nude events I think 4 more times (I’ve lost count). Keep in mind though that this was all online which does not invalidate my experience, but of course gives me another reason to invalidate my experience.
I also had done more research on mental health and identifies ASD qualities in myself.
ASD means autism spectrum disorder. I had kept it to myself for a bit and then I talked to my
school about it and got tested. They said I did not have it. I still knew I wasn’t normal though, my senses are different, I'm impulsive, I struggle with social interaction, etc. etc. etc. I didn’t talk about it for a bit since I was getting accommodations in school it wasn't needed. But it might help me to have a proper reason why I am like this. So I am now this summer going to be tested for autism by a psychologist who specializes in autism, which I heard from my friend also tested by my school that a psychologist or doctor, I am not sure which one tested her is more likely to give an accurate diagnosis since the school said she did not have autism when the psychologist or doctor said she did. I will also be asking this psychologist if I can be tested for ADHD and if to their short experience with me if I would qualify for a service dog.
Remember when I said “This was, at the time what I thought of was my first trauma. I will
get into the other one that might have happened around the same time later.” Well it’s later so let's get into that! So within the last few months I have started learning more about DID
(dissociative identity disorder) at first it was for my boyfriend who has DID (different boyfriend
from the abusive one) to better help him with his DID. I later (like a few weeks I think) was
switching into a different personality. My dad blamed me and thought I was lying but believed
me when I was crying and panicking about it. I have now developed 11 other personalities. One of the newest ones however is a 6 year old girl names Leah who is a little sister to the first known one who is named Joy. Leah gave me memories of a trauma that felt like it happened tome but felt like a different version of me, which is similar to how a person may feel when they are a different personality (it really varies between group of personalities which is called a system).
Leah had experienced physical and sexual abuse by a male. I do not know who he
was, if this actually happened, or really anything. Some of my memories include seeing
Leah/maybe me which I will refer to as me from this point on bleeding, having a knife at my
throat, putting an arm into the fire because the abuser who was male wanted me to. And having sexual actions that I probably shouldn’t get into. These memories started about three days ago and are quite distressing. I am now getting the treatment that will hopefully make life more livable, including on my own time trying to increase my communication between my different parts/alters/Head mates, I go to see a dietitian every other week to help me with my eating disorder. I go to family therapy, I do 1 on 1 sessions with 2 therapists a week and seek support online when needed and do research to help me identify who I am as a person. So to summarize, my life hasn’t been the best, but I’ll be ok.
If you would like online support I try and make myself available when possible and I am
experienced in helping, I currently use twitter in which my name is @Peguicorn I am also willing to just talk if you want and I am an advocate for mental health but I do tweet and retweet world issues.. If you would like other support besides myself there is also a team of kind people called @MHCrisisAngels on twitter. Thank you for reading, I hope you can get all the love, support,
and care you need and deserve, and please feel free to read other posts on the survivors blog
by Rebecca Lombardo!