My dad, lets call him Steve, was super excited when my mom got pregnant with me. He always wanted a daughter & was convinced from the start I was a girl. It turns, my mom was pregnant with twins & sadly lost her. (I’m kinda thankful my twin got to skip what hell awaited me.) My parents divorced when I was quite young (he’s a narcissistic person & it just didn’t work out.) Steve sexually abused me until I was 9 years old every night at my grandparents home, where he lived. They were innocent like me, from a generation where this just didn’t happen (I do not blame them at all for anything that happened to me)!
He threatened me if I told anyone what was going on then he would kill my mom & my older brother, he also told me all fathers & daughters have a special relationship like ours! The abuse only stopped because I started my period the summer before 4th grade. I remember the day clearly, I had been swimming with my babysitter, her kids & one other girl. I had on white shorts & when I changed my clothes there were blood stains. After being explained to what was going on, I begged my mom to not tell Steve. She told him & he asked to speak to me...he said “Your mom told me you started today.” “Yes, dad.” “Well, this changes things.” “I’m sorry, dad"
After that day, he disappeared from my life for a few years. By 5th grade, I was in therapy for depression. I still didn’t tell anyone. At age 12, I started cutting, drinking & causing a lot of trouble. I was angry & confused. Steve was in & out of my life, he had a new girlfriend with 2 (one of which was 6 months old) daughters & a son. Between age 12 and 28, he was mentally & emotionally abusive with me. Five years ago, I was in the hospital for my 7th suicide attempt. I finally told a therapist what had happened to me. The therapist did a session with my mom & husband in which I explained the sexual abuse from Steve. On one hand, it felt good to let go of the secret but on the other hand, now the 2 people I love most in this world had to carry this burden.
My mom still feels guilt, anger & sadness for not knowing, not seeing it. My husband was afraid to touch me in any way for a few years and he is so angry with Steve. I was diagnosed with PTSD (it helped having a diagnosis for my paranoia, inability to sleep, rage & more). I was also diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, that diagnosis explained so much more!
My husband & I have been in therapy, we’ve worked through triggers for me. And we do not discuss the details of my abuse. (It’s just too much, for both of us.) My mom & I have talked multiple times, I do not blame her nor am I angry at all with her. To me, she is innocent too. Steve has tried contacting me in the past few years & I never had the courage to tell him to fuck off on the phone so I wrote him a letter & mailed it. He has made no contact since he got the letter.