Trigger Warning!
I recently found out a few months ago I have BPD. But.. Lets back track a few years.
2008, was My first suicide attempt. I was nine years old. 2012, was the next. Each year after, I attempted suicide.
2015 I was finally misdiagnosed with Chronic Depression. I began to go to therapy. But none of the meds were working. I was getting worse. And very fast.
2017, I suffered from a mental breakdown and tried to set myself on fire. I was immediately withdrawn from school, and put in an outpatient program. Which did nothing. Due to this I almost failed junior year of high school.
May 2018, I was sexually assaulted. At the end of that month, I caught myself with a knife at my throat. I called 911 and had myself committed. I was feeling better. But not for long. In October 2018, I began receiving rape and death threats online, the reason for now being anonymous. I began receiving messages calling me a disgraced human being telling me to off myself. I then set a suicide date, for my birthday. October 29th. But seven days before, i was done. With everything. Feeling alone and hopeless and living in misery.
On October 22nd, 2018, I overdosed. I died in the ambulance and had to be revived. It's very painful dying by suicide. It really is. I was in a hospital where I was neglected. Then transferred to a psych ward, and discharged on my birthday. All I did was cry because my family felt I should have died. To learn a lesson. Now, my family abuses me and wants nothing to Do with me. Even now that I'm in the proper therapy and treatment, I still have these thoughts every single day.
The common misconception is that people think we just want attention. We don't. We want to feel wholeness. We want the agony and fear to go away. It has been almost 8 months since my overdose. I still think about trying again. But then I remember that pain, and I fight it. You are too precious for that pain. Don't try to take your own life. It will backfire. Instead, keep your head up, and always remember you are loved. My attempt screwed up my life. Permanently. Don't ruin yours by trying to end it.
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