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Tracy's Story - Trigger Warning

My name is Tracy. I’m 45 years old. I’m a wife and mother to 4 boys. I was diagnosed with PTSD and panic disorder at the age of 14. Due to childhood trauma. I am a survivor of child sexual abuse. 

Due to my diagnosis and not receiving the correct support or care I didn’t know how to cope so I turned to drugs and self harm. On top of that I starved myself. I was anorexic and self harmed for 3 years before finally seeking help. During that time I attempted suicide. I was so lost it was the only way I thought would end my pain. My mother was not very supportive. I felt alone and in our family you didn’t talk about these kinds of issues. It was hush hush. My grandmother pretty much told me to “knock it off we don’t act like that!” 

Growing up was extremely difficult needless to say. It wasn’t until I was in my 20’s away from my family I finally started healing, getting the right help and learning to live with my diagnosis. I still speak to my family but it’s a very rocky relationship. I have to put myself first. Living with PTSD and panic disorder is hard enough I don’t need to add more unnecessary stress to my life. 

I tried prescription medication for years but didn’t like how it made me feel numb. Like a zombie. It intensified my feelings of suicide. So I stopped taking them. I now use CBD.

I exercise. Do yoga and use meditation for my coping skills. I still have bad days. I still have panic attacks but I am better now than I was 5 years ago. Large crowds. Busy places still tend to increase my anxiety. I don’t like to go to these kinds of places alone. I usually have my boys or my husband with me. I’m suppose to have a service dog for my PTSD but haven’t been able to afford the $20,000 initial cost to purchase one yet. Maybe someday.

It would be nice to actually be able to go somewhere and not have to rely on my husband or one of my kids to go with me.  I work at my mental health and improving everyday. It's exhausting at times. But I make the most out of it. Try to find the positive most days. 

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